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Talk:How to lose Crusader Kings 2/@comment-67.78.117.92-20130508062832
Now that Sunset Invasion is out, we have a whole new way to win by losing: death by Aztec! With that in mind, I present my glorious tale of Bohemia's struggle against the Aztec colossus. AZTEC, an unofficial Paradox Interactive text adventure The year is 1250. You are a BOHEMIA, married to a POLAND with children POMERANIA, LITHUANIA, JERUSALEM, and SYRIA. To the west, an AZTEC has devoured a WALES and a BRITTANY, and is looking at an ENGLAND menacingly. What do you do? > shrug, focus on grinding vassals harder into dirt Congrautlations! Your vassals are now even more powerless than they already were. You ignore the cries of the ENGLAND as the AZTEC tears out its heart. The year is now 1270. The AZTEC is attacking a FRANCE, and the Pope has called a Crusade to stop them. What do you do? > pretend to join Crusade, get bonus, leave without actually fighting Congratulations! You are now a "Crusader." The AZTEC breaks FRANCE into lots of tiny pieces, then very slowly and elegantly eats them. The year is now 1300. The AZTEC is invading a FRISIA, and the HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR is begging you for help. You notice your brother HUNGARY, one of the EMPEROR's subjects, is trying to break free. What do you do? > rescue HUNGARY from the EMPEROR while his back is turned Congratulations! HUNGARY is now a happy member of your family. The EMPEROR gets very angry, but is too busy fighting the AZTEC to stop you from "adopting" the HUNGARY. The AZTEC knocks out the EMPEROR and swallows the FRISIA whole. The year is now 1320. The AZTEC has finished invading a SPAIN and is now attacking a LOTHARINGIA. The EMPEROR, who is half your size and still loathes you, is on his knees begging you for help. What do you do? > laugh at the EMPEROR, steal BAVARIA as well Congratulations! BAVARIA is now a somewhat-upset member of your family. You successfully punt the EMPEROR over to the AZTEC, who rips out his LOTHARINGIA and starts devouring his GERMANY. The year is now 1350. The AZTEC has eaten the GERMANY and is now looking at you hungrily. What do you do? > call PRESTER JOHN for help PRESTER JOHN of the Golden Horde, despite being 1) Catholic, 2) powerful, and 3) right next door, ignores you. The AZTEC is getting closer. The year is now 1360. What do you do? > start rebellions in AZTEC's territory ZOMBIE WESTERN EUROPE ignores you. The AZTEC is now devouring BAVARIA. The year is now 1370. What do you do? > throw your armies at the AZTEC, try to save BAVARIA The AZTEC crushes your armies with its DOOMSTACK FISTS, then rips out BAVARIA's heart. The year is now 1385. The AZTEC is looking hungrily at POMERANIA. What do you do? > distract it with a DENMARK The AZTEC eats the DENMARK, and the NORWAY and the SWEDEN hiding behind it as well. The year is now 1400. The AZTEC is slobbering over POMERANIA. What do you do? > call ITALY for help. ask the Pope for a Crusade ITALY isn't nearly dumb enough to get itself killed for you. The POPE gives you a Crusade, but you are the only one left to use it. The year is 1415. The Aztec has eaten POMERANIA and is now looking directly at you. What do you do? > keep throwing armies at it, call JERUSALEM and SYRIA for help JERUSALEM and SYRIA run away from home. Your armies slow the AZTEC down a little, but it still bites your arm off. The year is 1425. Your family consists of a small, frightened LITHUANIA, a crying POLAND, and your wounded brother HUNGARY. What do you do? > call PRESTER JOHN again PRESTER JOHN answers and breaks the AZTEC's DOOMSTACK FISTS, but the AZTEC then snaps him in half. The year is 1440. What do you do? > break up the family so that HUNGARY can take POLAND and LITHUANIA to safety You order HUNGARY to carry POLAND and LITHUANIA out of the battle, which he does. The year is 1450. You are alone. The AZTEC is about to eat you. What do you do? > send levies home, rig vassals to revolt, curse AZTEC's DOOMSTACK FISTS You do that. The AZTEC eats you, but gets bad enough indigestion that he ignores HUNGARY, POLAND, and LITHUANIA, who manage to escape to the EU3 TRANSFER SHIP. The year is 1453. You have won.